A Few Things about being a Teller

1. I know every single customer's name, spouse's name, account number, account balance, their overdraft limit, their PIN number, and the amount of their last deposit. I'm that good.

2. Why yes, of course I have $2,000 in two-dollar bills. That's a common denomination used in everyday banking, so I absolutely have that amount ready to sell to you.

3. I know the date and time of every single new coin that the government releases. Even the ones they haven't thought of yet!!!

4. No, as a matter of fact, your daughter cannot take money out of your account if she isn't a signer. Even if she brings in your ID.

5. Seeing as the last check you deposited bounced, yes, I do have to put a hold on this one, especially since it's made out for $12,000, and you only seem to have $113 in your account.

6. I control the regulations the government places on depository banks. I, alone, control them.

7. No, I'm sorry, I cannot open a new account for you. I'm not a personal banker. Yes, I recognize that it's a HUGE inconvenience to walk the 15 feet to the personal banker's desk. I apologize.

8. No, I cannot cash your check. Not only do you not have an account with us, but your check is out of date, written out for $20,000, and you don't have any form of ID to prove that you are the person to whom the check is written.

9. Your ID is expired. It's not my fault that you forgot to hop down to the DMV to have them send you a new one. Stop scowling at me.

10. I'm not lying when I tell you that the check your aunt/best friend/plumber/cable company/psychic wrote you is insufficient, and therefore unable to be cashed. Really. I'm not.

11. There are a number of proper responses to the question, "Hello, how are you today?!" Some of those responses may include, "very well, thank you, and yourself?," "eh, I've been better," or "I'm awful--this is the worst day of my life, I hate everyone, and my cat shit all over my brand new white carpet." Any of these are fine. Complete silence is not a response. I just asked you a question. ANSWER IT. I'm not beneath you, I don't transform into a goat when I get off work. I'm a person, with a soul and feelings. When your wife or mother or friend asks you a question, do you ignore them? Didn't think so. Use common courtesy and provide a response. It will greatly lift my opinion of people in general.

12. Yes, I realize that you have $7.5 million dollars in your account. That is SO FANTASTIC for you! That does not mean that you can toss your ID onto my desk without looking at me. That does not mean that you are physically incapable of filling out your own deposit slip. That also does not mean that you can effectively communicate with me using grunts and nods.

13. I don't care that your husband has millions of dollars. I also do not care about the perfume business you're starting. No, I don't want "my own fabulous scent" for the low low price of $50 an ounce.

14. I'm not your therapist. I don't need to know your life story, your daughter's life story, or your dog's (which you've felt the need to bring inside this place of business with you) life story. I don't care that your mother-in-law didn't like the turkey you cooked for Thanksgiving.

15. It's illegal for me to tell you the balance of your husband's account. You aren't a signer on that account. Yes, I'm aware that you're his wife.

16. The signs that say "The cutoff for deposits on each business day is 3:00pm" apply to you, too. No, I cannot go into the computer and change the date on the system. I'm sorry you got here late. That's obviously my fault. I'll go back in time (because I apparently have that power) and do your deposit 30 minutes ago. No prob.

17. No, I cannot stamp and mail your bills. Stamps cost money. Sealing, stamping and taking mail to the post office also costs money. This is not the post office. This is the bank.

18. No, there's nothing wrong with the bank website. That's your internet. Your ISP's lack of service is not our fault or problem.

19. Yes, I did, personally, cause the U.S. bank collapse. Take all your frustrations out on me, because it IS my fault!!!

20. I love anwering the phone at the bank. Here's why:
Me: Good afternoon, *name of bank*, this is Whitney, how may I direct your call?
Customer: WHAT'S MY BALANCE????
Me: One moment, sir, let me direct you to customer service, and they'll be happy to assist you.
Customer: NO, JUST TELL ME MY BALANCE, GATDAMNIT!

21. What's that? It's my fault your loan payment is late? Oh, yes, you're right. It was due Friday, April 2nd, and you put it in the night depository on Friday, April 2nd, at 11:00pm. I should have hung around and waited for you.